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Festival Essentials Guide For Extra-Terrestrials

Take a closer look at Earth and you will observe that the majority of green spaces have been taken over by people swaying rhythmically in unison, armed only with a wet wipe and a vacant look in their eye. This can mean only one thing: Friends. It’s festival season.   

Festivals are essentially a graph with ‘HYGIENE’ on one axis and ‘FUN’ on the other. The less attention you pay to the first axis the more you will have of the latter. See also ‘DIGNITY’ and ‘UNFORGETTABLE MEMORIES’. 


Music is essential to the whole process. You may discover a sudden affinity with Belgian Techno at 3 in the morning. Do not be alarmed. This is normal. You will find that both shoes and time become less important to you the longer festival goes on, also you will become ONE WITH THE MUD. Embrace it. 



Hard to overstate how important beer is to a festival. The feeling of sheer bliss as you open your stylish cooler bag to reveal a medley of Beavertown beers, with the sun on your back. Also useful as a transportive device if you’ve forgotten your tent and are instead improvising with a blanket of mud and dried leaves. 


Don’t beat around the bush. Neck Oil is the best. It has myriad uses. Drink it OR if lost, pour some into a container, put a leaf on top, add a magnetised needle on top of the leaf. Hey presto you now know where north is. Thanks Neck Oil! 


No Bucket Hat, no festival. The rules are the rules. You could be a visiting sentient life-form, you could be a chartered surveyor from St Albans, but wearing a bucket hat immediately indicates to others that you are committed to the cause, and more importantly, that you are mad for it. 


Organic cotton, fresh new designs, often featuring a skull which tells other people that yes you are stylish, but also that you’re probably wanted in 4 of the 5 main judicial quadrants.  


 Depending on which planet you‘re from you may not have a bum but don’t let this put you off. Bumbags are one of the great inventions of the 20th Century. Hands occupied by pints? But where am I going to put my wallet / time crystal / pile of handwritten love letters from smitten festivalgoers? Two words: Bum. Bag. 

And that is our Festival Checklist. Armed with these items you will seamlessly slip into any festival.   

Plus if the music bug has really sunken its incisors into you, check out the ‘Summer Collaboration Sessions’ - one-off music events from incredible artists around the country. 

Summer’s bringing the heat and Beavertown is bringing the music. And the beer.